How do I do this again? Sob stories, life dramas and neurotic tendencies.

Once again she rose from her bunker and decided to connect with the world. Or you know, I’ve finished first semester of uni for this year. Same thing, right? ;) This post is going to be more of a diary type entry, so skip if you find this awkward :)

ERMAGERD ser merch term herz perst. Alright, I’ll quit that. Legit though, quite a lot of time has passed since the last post, and I thought I was going to pump out more, LOLOLOLOLOLOL looks like that didn’t happen. The past 2 months in particular have been very testing for me, university wise. I was going through the motions of re-evaluating life decisions, career goals, all that jazz, and I just about drove myself in to a pit of despair in the process -_- Needless to say, I’m out of the pit now, and I’m back to my usual self. For now. I don’t know. I feel better is all, and I’m going with that :)

I was putting myself under a lot of pressure for things that haven’t even happened yet, because I’m one of those loons who must plan for every single scenario. There’s got to be a backup for the backup, for the backup. All this to do with my career goals. You see, this time next year I will be graduating, so I’m already beginning to feel the worrying feeling of not being able to find employment once I graduate. Who knew microbiology could be so tricky? Well, not really. It’s that circular flawed plan of “must have experience to get job > must have job to get experience”. You all know what I’m talking about, and it’s what I’m possibly up against. So cue me panicking, talking to student advisors who all found it within their hearts to let me know of POSTGRADUATE STUDIES, OMG, IF YOU DO THIS AT OUR UNI, YOU WILL TOTES MAHGOATS GET LABORATORY EXPERIENCE, AND YOU’LL GET A FANCY HONOURS DEGREE. DOESN’T THAT SOUND LIKE SO MUCH FUN???? COME ON, LET’S SIGN YOU UP TODAY! Except….in Australia, an honours degree requires you to have achieved a credit average at least, and getting a credit average is no guarantee of acceptance. The competition is just as fierce as employment. Not to mention, I’m an average student, I won’t lie. I still have trouble learning at times, no I don’t think I have a learning difficulty, I think it’s more of a case of lack of motivation + inefficient study behaviours. I’m the type of student that is the practical, hands on. I thrive in laboratory environments, I love doing all the bench work and I love the report write ups. You only have to show me a few times, then I get it, and I’ll never bother you again. I don’t do so well with theory, or remembering equations or to be expected to retain every piece of information that crosses my path. The past 2 months, I had decided that I would pursure an honours for postgraduate, so I tried really hard. Then I began to lose motivation, as we all tend to do when we begin to burn ourselves out. It’s what I did, I was burning out, and I began to be frantic and neurotic over the future, because I am clearly screwing up the present, there’s no chance to redeem myself, no one will want to hire me etc. It’s easy to let it snowball.

However the pursuit of postgrad research, is it really for me? Like I said before, I love the practical side of my science. I take great joy in performing stains, subculturing, media preparation, micrscopy and the experimental process. HOWEVER, you need to do oral presentation skills. Many, many presentations and seminars. That frightens me a lot. I mentioned this a long time ago, but I have quite a mild stutter, that flare up severely when these presentations and seminars are required of me. At times, it does effect my performance, with quite recently one of my subjects required a 30 minute group presentation with included question time. All the questions were directed to me and my topic, so I was trying my best, however in the end, I ended with the lowest score in my group. Albeit it was by .5 of a mark, but it hurt, man. Receiving the lowest mark in a presentation really made the snowball get bigger again. Having to do presentations for the honours postgrad, would I be marked harshly for my choppy speech? Honestly though, more than the topic of speech, did the teachers really have my best interests in heart? I’m not academically gifted, I struggle with oral presentations so why the hell am I being pounded with DO POSTGRADUATE, ERMAGERD, COME DO IT. The cynic in me says it’s because they need students to work on their projects, basically for free. That the university will also continue to get more cash from me for another year, so you know, are they for me, or are they for the university? I don’t know. For now, I have decided that postgraduate research is not for me. Postgraduate studies, maybe as coursework, might be something I want to look in to later down the line. For now, I just want to work.

Then I was worrying about whether pursuing medical microbiology was really for me. What I have wanted for the past 7 years was suddenly up for question because I became terrified of the after graduation scenario -_- So I began looking in to environmental microbiology which is an entire mixed bag and I don’t even know what I can do for viable jobs that don’t involve research, water testing, soil testing? The research being done in environmental micro is exceptionally interesting, but I just don’t think I’m cut out to be a researcher, so I don’t really see what else there is for me to do with the field but be an observer. Then I looked back at food microbiology, but do I want to be swabbing chicken breasts or checking milk everyday for many years? Food micro is basically an up-keeping exercise, a means to make sure production of food products is done in a safe manner, so more often than not, you won’t be finding much. That doesn’t appeal to me much, because I like the investigative side of the science, which is what medical microbiology brings to the table. You get a patient sample, a brief history, then you begin your routine, working just like a detective to find what it is that is causing disease in the patient. Again, all because I am worrying about prospective jobs for next year. I am absolutely hopeless. There’s a fine line between being prepared and just being neurotic.

Oh, let’s not forget all the phone calls I’ve been making to try and drum up some work experience in either university or hospital laboratories :) The university won’t accept students as assistants unless they’re academically talented, which bummed me out, but that’s life. So I gave the hospitals a go and managed to speak to some lovely people, but I’m waiting a month and a half later for their reply, so basically I’ll be calling them back this week to find out if there’s anything. So frustrating, but that loop of experience to get a job needs to be broken somehow. I’ll get there, I just hope soon :/ I wish there were such things as internships for my field, but they just flat out don’t exist in this country. Gahhhh, how annoying :P

The cherry on top was the general stress of final exams :’D I won’t be getting my results until July 15th, ugghhh. Pretty sure I’ve passed everything, just a matter of seeing if I’ll be getting a credit average. I guess that doesn’t mean all that much to me anymore though xD

This is all the crap I’ve been worrying about being delusional about. It seems so ridiculous once I get it down in the written form.

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With that out of the way, here’s my usual checklist of other stuff that’s been happening:

  • T2 just opened near us! It’s been so awesome to go in and grab a new tea every few weeks. Now there needs to be a Tea Centre close by to appease all my tea cravings. I’ve always wanted to get around blogging about tea, but you know me ;)
  • D and I have been powering through Star Trek Voyager for the past month. I forgot how much I loved this series, and he already wants to see DS9 after it. I’m not sure if he’ll retain that enthusiasm after he sees the series ;) Oh DS9, you’re not so bad, you’re just not what I’m used to.
  • Started my uni break last week, so been catching up on some gaming. I’ve been going hard with Sims 3 (LOL, I know) and working on a family legacy, Civilisation V in trying to win the game via all the methods, using all the characters available, I just started Dust: An Elysian Tail and WOW the graphics are beautiful and the gameplay is fun, and I finally got around to buying Lightning Returns (I’ll be sad when I finish this, because that means no more Lightning in my final fantasy games :’( ). I was thinking of getting back to playing Animal Crossing, but I think I’ve got quite a few things already ;)
  • I’ve been slacking on my Goodreads reading challenge. However, to my defense I have had other priorities. hhahaa. My goal is to read 40 books this year, and I’m already at 18 :)
  • Sorting out my makeup. It’s a monster, it’s overwhelming, but damnit it’s so good looking. I’ve been changing the type of makeup I use and the looks I do, so some stuff hasn’t been used in a really long time. Storing it all has been an ongoing challenge considering the little space I have available.
  • Been thinking of changing up my blog layout, but not sure.

Yep, this is going to be the end. So many words. I’m so sorry xD